I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
