My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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