i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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