JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
