dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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