I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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