I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
