you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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