if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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