I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
