I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
