i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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