i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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