So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
