I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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