all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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