The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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