so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
is it fun? or sober?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
