we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
