I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Randomize
