just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
