apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
