I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
