you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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