Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
