you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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