I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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