Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
