Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
