The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
