Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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