please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
