At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
