went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
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NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
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