how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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