After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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