I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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