hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I need to stop coming to work sober
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Randomize
