I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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