oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
