fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
