ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
You may now shotgun with the bride
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
