just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Randomize
