i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
