it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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