You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
