Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
