Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
