Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
