Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
