Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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