He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
