I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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