Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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