I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
