My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Will you blow on my dice?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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