She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
