if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Randomize
